


Good Enough

by epithalamium



Category: Free!
Genre: Drabble Collection, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-20
Updated: 2014-05-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 20:51:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1662008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epithalamium/pseuds/epithalamium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three drabbles I posted over at Tumblr. Here for archiving purposes. </p><p>'Good enough' - Nitori is an ugly crier and Rin isn't far behind.<br/>'Untitled' - Addition to 'The Stargazer'. A kiss by the pool.<br/>'Wake up and smell the coffee' - Nitori is a supportive friend. (Unrequited love.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Good Enough

Good enough

Never good enough. 

Rin glared at his mobile as if it was the root of all his problems. The screen glowed back at him, silent and imagined reproach for taking his anger out on innocent, non-living things. Tears stung his eyes, and he bit hard at his lower lip, pain countering pain so he could get his shit back together before his roommate comes back and finds him crying over his mobile phone like some lovesick girl. 

As if the thought had conjured him from his own world of sparkles and bunnies, the door opened and Nitori’s voice called out, ‘Senpai? Are you asleep? I’m going to turn the lights on, okay.’ 

Rin rubbed at his eyes furiously. Nitori could be hopelessly thick about a lot of things—his marks at English held testimony to the fact—but he had a sharp mind and good instincts. Rin knew it was next to impossible to hide anything from his roommate, but made a token effort anyway. 

Nitori usually went straight to his desk after coming back from class, moving books and notes about to get ready for some late-night revising. But now he approached Rin slowly, one hand tightening around the strap of his bag. ‘Senpai?’ 

‘Wh—’ Rin’s voice was thick with unshed tears. He swallowed and tried again. ‘What?’ 

‘Are you okay, senpai?’ 

‘It’s nothing,’ said Rin. And fuck him, but he was really crying now, frustration and self-doubt giving way to the concern in Nitori’s voice, and Rin had to fight the urge to plant a fist smack against that cute little face, senpai or no senpai. 

‘But you’re crying.’ Nitori took a deep breath and hunkered down next to Rin’s bed. ‘What’s wrong?’ 

‘I said it’s nothing.’ Go away, Rin wanted to add, but Nitori’s mouth had tightened into a stubborn line and there would be no getting rid of him unless Rin started talking. ‘I just,’ his voice caught again, so that the next words were no more than a whisper, ‘Not good enough.’ 

‘Don’t say that!’ Nitori placed his hands on Rin’s mattress, not quite touching Rin. ‘I know you could be the best at whatever you set your mind to.’ 

Rin scoffed. ‘How can you know that?’ 

‘You have the best marks in all your classes—’ 

‘Not quite.’ 

Nitori ignored Rin’s aside, ‘And you act like you don’t care, but you put a lot of effort in all the things you do, and that’s admirable, Matsuoka senpai!’ 

‘Effort’s not enough sometimes, you know,’ said Rin. Nitori’s earnestness surprised him, and he didn’t really want to have this conversation at all, but at least he wasn’t crying any more. 

‘Effort is more than half the battle, though,’ said Nitori. His voice had risen, and his face was getting all scrunched up, red splotches all over his pale skin and 

‘Are you crying?’ said Rin. 

‘It’s just,’ said Nitori, in between sobs, ‘you’re usually so cool and sure of yourself and you shouldn’t bring yourself down like this, senpai—’ 

Rin felt like he was losing control of the situation faster than Haru could ever swim. ‘Stop that. I’m the one who should be crying.’ Since I’m a useless arsehole who only thinks about himself, Rin thought, although he didn’t say this out loud in fear of making Nitori cry even harder.

‘You should believe in yourself more, senpai.’ Snot was running down Nitori’s nose now, and his face strongly resembled a squashed tomato. It was quite mystifying, and Rin had no idea what the fuck was going on, and there was no way he could find such a disgusting sight so fucking endearing, but he did. Nitori was such an ugly crier, and it was so fucking cute it was all Rin could do not to scoop him up and squeeze him like a plush toy. And not only because Rin didn’t want to have tears and snot all over his shirt.

‘Stop crying,’ said Rin, looking around for something to wipe Nitori’s face with. In the end he had to get up and fetch some tissues from his desk, by which time Nitori had subsided into the occasional hiccupping sob. Rin sat back on his bed, close to where Nitori was kneeling, and ruffled Nitori’s hair with one hand. 

‘It’s okay, so stop crying.’ 

Nitori gave him a watery smile, and that was when Rin knew—with an absolute and sickening certainty—that he was fucked.

*

Untitled

The afternoon sun was bleeding into dusk and two boys were still at the Samezuka pool, training. 

Well, one of them was actually standing by the poolside with a stopwatch in his hand, looking at the digital read-out now and then, but mostly intent on the other boy who was just finishing his lap. 

’Not bad,’ said Rin, clicking the stop button as Nitori’s hands made contact with the goal. ‘But you could do better. You’ve done better.’ 

'Let's try again, then,' said Nitori. He was barely breathing hard, although he'd been swimming for almost half an hour by Rin's count. Nitori was still far from being the fastest swimmer from the first year lot, but he could probably outlast most of them by a good margin. Rin, who had pegged Nitori to be some sort of delicate flower considering his slight frame and small stature, had been somewhat impressed by Nitori's surprising show of endurance. 

'Please, senpai?' 

'You shouldn't push yourself too hard,' said Rin. 'I won't carry you back to the dorms if you collapse.'

'I won't!' 

'We'll miss dinner.' 

'There are some snacks in my desk.' 

'A box of Pocky isn't dinner!' 

'You can have two boxes.' Nitori smiled up at Rin, and he looked so determined, so damned earnest, that Rin had to sigh and trust Nitori to know his own limitations. 

'Right,' said Rin, hunkering down so he could brush away the strands of hair that clung to Nitori's forehead in wet, silver streaks and tuck them back in Nitori's swimming cap.

'Thank you, senpai.' 

* 

There was a new confidence in Nitori’s movements, a single-mindedness that Rin hadn’t seen before. Nitori still didn’t trust his own abilities as much as Rin thought he should, but at least he didn’t bring himself down so much anymore. 

'Better,' said Rin. 'Your best time so far.' 

Nitori’s face had turned pink, whether from the praise or the exertion, Rin wasn’t sure. Whatever the reason, he made Rin think of mochi, pinkish-pale and delectable. Rin wondered what it would be like to take a bite, nibble at Nitori’s shoulder, and what little whimpering sounds Nitori would make. 

'Senpai? Is something wrong?' 

To Rin’s horror, he found his own face getting warm, and he had to pretend fiddling with the stopwatch so Nitori wouldn’t see him blushing like an idiot. ‘You made us miss dinner is what’s wrong!’ 

'I'm sorry, senpai. I—I'll make it up to you sometime!' 

Rin took a deep breath, wondering if he actually dared. It if would be considered an abuse of his upperclassman status. If he actually gave a damn. 

'Why don't you make it up to me now?' 

Nitori looked puzzled for a moment, his expression fading into one of his sunny smiles as he nodded.’Is there something I can do?’ 

Rin leaned over, saw Nitori’s eyes widen, heard Nitori’s breath catch, and before he could think the better of it, touched his lips to Nitori’s. 

He let his teeth graze Nitori’s lower lip before pulling away. They would have been breathing hard, if they could breathe at all. Rin turned away from Nitori before he could do something drastic. Like maybe push Nitori down the tiled floors and lick drops of water from soft, pale skin— 

'Let's go back to the dorms.' Nitori let out a shaky little sigh. Rin felt a certain kind of satisfaction in hearing the unsteadiness in Nitori’s voice. ‘Okay.’

When Nitori took Rin’s hand in a damp, warm grip, Rin didn’t pull away.

*

Wake up and smell the coffee

Unrequited love wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t really how the songs portray it. You go on with your life, knowing there was a possibility closed to you, like a locked door, and you think about it sometimes. Once in a while, the un-possibility of it, the things you would never know and never experience, would fill you with a vague feeling of dread, panic burning deep in your gut so you’d have to sit down and try not to think and eventually it would fade into something tolerable, something you could ignore.

It was—if Aiichirou had to make a comparison, which didn’t really help matters any, but—it was like having a toothache. Bothersome, but not fatal. Nothing to write songs about, for sure. 

He was probably not a romantic person. 

But he had his moments, sitting at his desk alone in the room and supposedly revising for class. Thinking about the certainties of null-ness: the soft eager happy expression Rin would never put on for him. The feel of Rin’s lips against his own. The warmth of being held close. All locked doors. Non-possibilities. 

*

‘Have you ever wanted something so badly it hurt?’ 

Aiichirou looked at Rin, put on a frown, and forgot about the toothache. ‘Yes.’ 

‘What do you do about it?’ 

‘Nothing.’ That didn’t seem to satisfy Rin; Aiichirou could sense a lecture about ‘trying hard and doing one’s best’ coming, so he hastily added, ‘It depends.’ 

‘On what?’ 

Lecture averted, Aiichirou shrugged. ‘If you know you can have what you want if you try hard enough, go for it. You want to compete in the Olympics, don’t you, senpai? Then you do your best. But there are things you can’t have, and you just learn to do without.’ 

‘That’s defeatist attitude,’ said Rin, frowning. ‘How do you know you can’t have something if you don’t try?’ 

‘I’ve tried,’ said Aiichirou. 

‘And you gave up after a couple attempts. Do you really want it badly enough?’ 

‘Some things are more important.’ 

‘Such as?’ Rin crossed his arms over his chest, moving his chair from his own desk so he can face Aiichirou. 

Aiichirou shrugged. ‘Things.’ 

‘Well, that was helpful,’ said Rin, huffily. He turned back to his desk, holding up the novel he was reading for class. Aiichirou waited and minutes passed without Rin turning the page.

‘I… there’s someone I want,’ said Rin, finally. 

Mild discomfort became actual pain, but Aiichirou only nodded. ‘Do you want to talk about it, senpai?’ 

* 

Because life had a sense of humour, you could actually find yourself cheering on the person you love in the pursuit of someone else and mean it. 

* 

‘Why don’t you just ask him out?’Aiichirou said, one night when the lights were out and they were both in bed. A sliver of light from the lamps outside the dorm cut across the ceiling, bright, definite against the shadows. Because they couldn’t see each other, it was easier to be honest. One can cry without making a sound. 

‘Who?’ said Rin, when Aiichirou was starting to think he’d pretend to be asleep. 

‘Nanase-san. He’s the one you like, isn’t he, Rin-senpai?’ 

‘I don’t know.’ 

Aiichirou sighed, but didn’t say anything more. There was something glorious about uncertainty, but he didn’t think Rin would appreciate the thought, so he kept his mouth shut. 

* 

Sometimes effort pays off. More often, it doesn’t. Sometimes you make mistakes. 

* 

Uncertainty bred fear, but it was attractive. Maybe he took advantage of Rin’s vulnerability. Or maybe it was a final desperate attempt to open that one door. Aiichirou wasn’t sure. But he knew well enough it was a mistake. Non-possibility forced into existence, series of events that led to the possibility of rejection—no matter how certain—becoming reality. 

Rin’s lips were soft against his, but unyielding. 

‘Ai—’ 

‘It’s okay, senpai,’ said Aiichirou, moving away from Rin and not meeting Rin’s eyes. ‘I—this is the part where I apologise, isn’t it?’ 

To his surprise, Rin laughed. It wasn’t a cruel sound. ‘Maybe.’ 

‘Maybe you should try.’

‘What?’ 

‘If I can do it, so can you,’ said Aiichirou. His smile lacked wattage, but he doubted Rin noticed. ‘Tell Nanase-san you like him, Rin-senpai.’ 

‘I would.’ 

The words made Aiichirou cry, but Rin didn’t seem to mind.


End file.
